affairs [falsity in all relationships]
textual flirtations [keeping it going, the lie]
social media hook-ups [maintaining distance for protection with stimulation]
rent-a-buddy friendships [for socially centered functions assuring no emotional connections]
you’re hurting yourself more than the other(s) — abrogating your responsibility for self-understanding and growth — lying not only to friends and family, but mostly to yourself — you’ve learned nothing, not about life and certainly not about your own being
you aren’t good
you aren’t lovely
you’re fooling only yourself
because we bought it.
I have a few things percolating in my head today as I trudge through a Thursday of work, dreaming about Friday and the always too short weekend. I should probably be at home for a “mental health” day…but alas, no vacation hours remain.
I don’t know that any of these things are actually novel ideas…but they seem novel to me in my life at this particular point in time. Perhaps I’m thinking too much (my birthday is in 11 days), but I like where the thoughts are leading.
Novel idea #1 – I’ve decided to dedicate myself to finally taking the time to fully work through the needed edits on my novel in preparation to begin sending it off to agents and publishers. This won’t be a particularly quick process, since I have 130,000 words written, barely any of it edited, and a conclusion to finish writing as well. But I’m sick of always saying “I need to…” I’m ready to give this ride a go.
Otherwise, I’m somewhat satisfied with my writing life at the moment. Do I write as much as I’d like? No. Am I always happy with my effort and results? No. But I’m writing regularly, and I’m generally satisfied with what’s coming out. I’m also happy to be fairly active on my professional Facebook page and my website. All in all, not a bad first part of 2017.
Novel idea #2 – despite 37 years (very nearly 38) of rarely thinking this way…life is honestly an enjoyable experience. It’s dawned on me slowly the last few months that I enjoy my life, and that I can structure my life to draw even more enjoyment over time. Life’s hard. Life sucks. It’s draining, not often rewarding, and I typically would rather be doing anything other. But this is all we have, and I plan to rededicate myself to the things I love in life in order to make mine a life I love.
Novel idea #3 – other than my wonderful wife and amazing children, I’ve decided to carefully consider the other relationships in my life. From my childhood, relationships were primarily about pain. Of course there were healthy, happy, nurturing relationships. All too often, however, my interactions with others have been a primary source of disappointment, pain, and depression. It’s sad to let others have so much influence. After all my years, I can’t seem to reduce the impact other people have on me – so I will instead do what I should have done long ago and reduce (or eliminate) my contact with the people who cause me pain.
Since I’m not much of a regular blogger, I suppose that’s where my post will end. I don’t have anything else to say, just a few things on my mind today, eating most of my available processing capacity. Writing helps me process – though I doubt my processing will improve any!
you’re at the top of a
roller coaster –
the car drops.
that feeling in the pit of your stomach –
multiply it by 10.
that’s how I feel
like vomiting in the woods after
unknown twigs and berries
is me, today,